Personality

STOP FUCKING GRUMBLING AT ME.

DEBRA, DO THIS

DEBRA YOU HAVENT DONE THAT AND I EXPECT YOU TO DO IT NOW.

DEBRA! YOU WOKE UP, EXERCISED, ATE AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP?! WHAT IS THIS?! *TURNS ON ALL THE LIGHT* ME: FUCK OFF.

I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT WHO CANT EVEN CONTROL HER OWN LIFE.

AND WHEN I ASK WHY THIS IS THE FUCKING RIDICULOUS REASON I GET:

TOO BAD. YOU LIVE IN THIS WORLD, YOU GOTTA FOLLOW THE RULES I SET.

WELL FUCK THAT. I HATE THIS WORLD. I HATE ANYONE’S DAMN RULES. I HATE BEING FORCED TO DO SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO TAKE MY SWEET TIME WITH. YOU CAN GO FUCK YOUR DAMN EXPECTATIONS. I HATE YOU. I HATE LIVING.

I feel suicidal again. Sometimes the pain never ends… and yet the knowledge that i have must not give in to this urge s and that if i do so i’ll be insulting God and all that just keeps me from doing so. I feel like im being torn to pieces by this emotions wrecking my body abd paralyzing it from within. Heck.. it hurts to type. But i have no more tears.. i used them up all. Im not strong enough.. i feel as if i can slip out of control any moment now..

I don’t know what im doing here. Right here in this classroom, right now. In a class full of people, full of stereotypes about my religion. Opposite a guy who cant see the open side of things, beside a girl who treats me as if im some weird shit. The bittersweet thing I have to comfort me, my gift. Seeing things that people cant, others would gladly put me in Institution of Mental Health. Here, people say they want to learn psychology to help others who have mental illness, yet they themselves have stigma against us. And of all things, moodswings have to appear now. Now im wondering. Just wondering and suffering silently

mid terms are around the corner.
i wonder if i am pretty.. though these thoughts are so very shallow. i wish i were as pretty and cute as my little sister.
why am i thinking such thoughts now>

im sorry i made you angry.

and i admire your faith in God. 

i wont interfere with your church anymore. 

if you see this, know that: 

1. i love you sis

2. im truly sorry

3. please forgive me

4. Happy birthday girl! 

The days will come when you don’t have the strength When all you hear is you’re not worth anything Wondering if you ever could be loved And if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much
You’re beautiful You’re beautiful You are made so much more than all of this You’re beautiful You’re beautiful You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His You’re beautiful
I’m praying that you have the heart to find Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight For all the lies you’ve held inside so long And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You’re beautiful You’re beautiful You are made so much more than all of this You’re beautiful You’re beautiful You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/beautiful-lyrics-mercy-me.html ] You’re beautiful

Before you ever took a breath Long before the world began Of all the wonders He possessed There was one more precious Of all the earth and skies above You’re the one He madly loves Enough to die
You’re beautiful You’re beautiful In His eyes
You’re beautiful You were meant for so much more than all of this You’re beautiful You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His You’re beautiful You’re beautiful You’re meant for so much more than all of this You’re beautiful You’re beautiful You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

The only song that keeps me trudging on

Stupid dad and his moodswings. If anything he should be the one taking meds. Fuck. I know I should have taken the fucking advice already. But that was over a month ago, the tutorials slots are already being decided by the school. I got your fucking message, so shut the hell up already! Its spilt milk and I. Have. Learnt. My. Lesson. Don’t call me selfish because I know very well what sacrifices are being made for me. If you hate me so much, if I disgust you so much then so be it okay?! Don’t simply call me selfish because you have to fetch me 3 times a week, because I offered to walk home and you peeps wouldn’t let me! Its not even that dark for goodness sake! I accept my responsibility okay?! To be honest, its fucking annoying for someone to be harping on your one mistake. You know it. Its not my fault the tutorial ends so late! Its not my fault the fucking train ride home takes an hour! Its definitely not my fault for supposedly making you come fetch me! If you don’t want to fetch me then i’d gladly walk home! Saves me a scolding and saves you energy. ‘We’re not your minions, you know’ WTF?! Just what do you see me as? An evil warlord?! Since when did I have minions let alone treat you like one?@#$%^&